Last night was terrible. My daughter started getting all emotional just before bed time. So much so, she ended up crying herself to sleep after nearly two hours. She was inconsolable and there was nothing I could do to calm her down.
I tried going in and talking to her. I tried reading her a story. I gave her a big cuddle. I even broke a rule my wife and I have always had and said I would stay in her room until she fell asleep. Nothing worked, and I every time I went in there I just set her off again. In the end I just had to let her cry it out. Just listening to her was awful. I wanted to go in but I knew I couldn't.
I have harboured thoughts before of whether I have been doing the right thing but they have been purely personal and I have been able to rationalise the situation in my mind and always have come to the same conclusion. I need to do this. I have to do this.
But this is different. Have I been selfish? Have I been thinking of only myself all this time? Other people in my life that I care about will miss me if the worst happens, but they are capable, independent adults. They will get by. But my kids? You cannot just tailor make them another dad. Should I be staying behind for them? If I stay behind I will not be the dad I want to be, but at least I will be here. If I go I may get better but I may not come back at all.
I have reconciled in my own mind that I am not afraid of death, but I want to live. However, I am afraid of leaving my kids fatherless. Honestly, so far this has been the hardest thing to deal with. I have two days to figure it out because I look at it as once I am on the plane, that is it. The point of no return. Until next time, stay well:)
Hi Andrew, posting from Dublin which not a million miles from where you started. Often read your posts which invariably positive despite being dealt a truly nasty hand of cards. A fellow cystinuria traveller am really fortunate to still have both kidneyz even if one might as well not be. I sympathize hugely with the dilemma you face but for what it's worth, having agonized undoubtedly about going to Chicago for this procedure, you should go ahead and trust, that your daughter will realize down the road, when you are a good deal better, that your decision was for her too ! Good luck buddy. Good god you deserve some ! Best wishes Eddie O'Flanagan
ReplyDeleteI agree with Eddie. You are doing this ultimately for them. So you can be a more able father. I cant say be a better father because no matter what, I bet you are the best dad they could ever get.
ReplyDeleteMy view is that this is the way for you to go.
They will understand in the future how much you are sacrificing to do this for them.
It takes one hell of a man to do it too.
I know that all the words in the world probably wont make you feel better, but once you are back home and everyone is feeling the benefit, you'll all relax and wonder what the fuss was about.
Sending love to you all x
Oh, your post tugs at my heart strings. Leaving a child is never easy and in this situation it has to be the worst. You know in your heart this is the best choice or you wouldn't have done it at all. My thoughts are with you and family through this long journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the words of encouragement. It means a great deal to me:)
ReplyDeleteOh Andy,
ReplyDeleteWhat a good heart you have. It is not selfish at all, you know you are going thru this to be a better dad. In short order, it will all be over and you will be home with those little ones. The docs are so good and know how to take care of us if something goes amiss during the transplant! They haven't lost one yet! You're not gonna be first! See you soon! I'll be praying for you too! God is also on your side!
Wendy :)