It's up to them now.

I just finished collating all he data to send to Chicago.  There was a lot of it.  And although it is now all done as best as I can do it I do feel nervous for two reasons.

First I'm worried that I might not get accepted into the program.  Although I feel as though I'm a good candidate there is a lot of tests to be completed and I don't know which ones are more important and what sort of results they are looking for.  Although I have researched it extensively, I am not a doctor, and I do not understand many of the tests they are after.  I'll just have to wait and see.

If I don't get accepted I will be very disappointed.  Although I have tried not to.  I have invested a lot of emotional energy into this process as well as time.  As I said before, I need to be proactive in dealing with my medical issues for my own mental health.  Being rejected from the trial would be very upsetting, and to be truthful I don't know how I'd cope with that.  I would like to think that I'd be able to pick myself back up, dust myself down and soldier on, but reality is sometimes very different.  Being realistic I think it would take time to get over such news.

Second, what if I do get accepted?  What of the risks.  For me there is an added risk because I have a brain implant.  From what I understand it is not an exclusion criteria, but it is a concern, and they might have to take it out.  But if that is the case, then that is what has to be done.

And although I have come to terms with my decision from a logical and a rational point of view, it has only been the last couple of days that the emotional point of view has surfaced.  It always turns up eventually, and for me that time was now.  It is a little harder to resolve in my head, but none the less it is still there.  It has not deterred me from wanting this procedure, but it cannot be ignored.  I will deal with it in my own time.

For now though, there is nothing I can do about waiting for the feedback from Chicago.  But at least I now have it all done and I can look forward to Christmas.  On another note, my legs are killing me today. I stood up for two hours cooking a BBQ for my daughters class Christmas party and I'm paying for it now.  But it was worth it.  Until next time, stay well:)