Friday, June 15, 2012

Am I a bad man?

I recently got news from a fellow patient and friend that had SCT for CIDP at the same time I did.  He reported that he had regained some sensory function, he was walking upstairs much easier and he could even manage a light jog.  He also found his voice was getting stronger.

On hearing this news I had two separate, genuine and conflicting emotions.  On one hand I couldn't be happier for him.  We had our transplants on exactly the same day so I know pretty much better than anyone exactly what he has gone through.  And he has been through the ringer and he has come through it on the other side better and stronger.  On the other hand I have experienced a much less savoury emotion, jealousy.

Normally, if I had a feeling like this I would hide it and keep it to myself, so for me admitting to it is rather new.  In fact, I think it is a first.  So why do I feel jealous? As I said earlier, I went through the process at the same time as my friend, so why haven't I experienced the same amount of improvement?

Well I think that there are four reasons.  First, I'm older, and the older you are the slower the recovery.  Second, I have had the disease for a lot longer, over ten years.  The longer you have had the disease the harder it is for your body to repair itself.  Three, I don't know for sure but I think I suffered slightly more to start with and lastly, everyone is different.  And although we are labelled with the same disease, the progression of our symptoms was different as will be the regression.

The question I ask myself is does this make me a bad person to have this undesirable emotion?  After all, it is one of the seven deadly sins.  Or is it how we act upon them that is important?  I hope in my case it is the latter.  Besides if I decided not to write this post nobody would be any the wiser.  But when I started this blog I made myself a promise that I would be brutally honest about my treatments, opinions and how I felt when it came to health no matter how unpopular it might make me.  And I think I have done that, after all I did write about my fainting incident when I was in Chicago.  Not my finest moment.  And I think this counts as it is mainly about my recovery.

I will defend myself here too.  Although I did feel jealous, I also was (and still am) happy for my friend.  He made the hard choice, went through the pain and now he is reaping the reward.  So good on him I say.  And as the feeling of jealousy has dissipated over the days and faded away to almost nothing, I still remain happy.  So am I a bad person?  I like to think not but it isn't really up to me to judge.  I am what I am and I will be what I will be.

I really can't complain either.  Although I am not running yet I am no longer using a walking stick.  When I have been out recently I seem to keep forgetting it and walk away without it.  So to risk not losing it I have simply left it at home.  Until next time, stay well:)

1 comment:

  1. I think your feelings are completely normal. Any one of us would feel the same way. Good for you for recognizing the feelings & not only admitting them, but writing about them.