I'm Back!

I was going to call this post 'Back to Normal'.  But what is normal?  For a while my normal was feeling depressed and all the baggage that came with that, so I've just gone with 'I'm back!'  Back from that nasty place from which I don't ever want to return.  Also in terms of our emotional constant, our normal is forever changing.  My normal from ten years ago (the last time I could be sure I wasn't suffering from depression) is different today.  So I'll simply say I'm Back! Back experiencing positive emotions, back feeling useful and productive.

But the question remains how did I get here?  In my post titled "Not so Silent, Not so Deadly", I commented on how I had made baby steps to solve my problem.  But they weren't really baby steps as much as one big step.  And that was creating a foundation for myself to tackle my depression.  I had talked to my doctors and was receiving professional help.  I was on anti-depressants which although weren't the answer, stopped me from reaching the punishing lows I had once experienced, and I had made mistakes which allowed me to see which direction not to go in.

So, where to from here?  I realised that I still needed help, so it was back to the GP.  This time he referred me to a different psychologist, but I realised that I had to make the change.  I had to be completely honest with my new psychologist, and not leave anything out.  That was a really tough thing to do.  I have always found it hard to open up to even the people closest to me, let alone a complete stranger, so I kicked off my first consult by letting her know this little conundrum I faced.  As insignificant as that seems, I had started to let my guard down, which lead to open honesty and a path to correcting my problem.

That first consult also marked a huge point in my treatment.  We talked about how I felt about all my medical problems.  I felt ripped off, like I'd been robbed, and inside I was upset and angry.  I had never shared this with anyone because I didn't want to be branded a whinger, or burden my problems with people who clearly would prioritise their own issues and would not want to hear mine.

So there I was, laying it all out on the table.  For me it was not the talking about it that really helped.  It was the unexpected response I got.  I was expecting a response like "Suck it up! Its the lot you were given you just have to deal with it." Or, "It's not so bad, think about all the people in the world worse off than you."

Instead, what I got was complete validation of how I felt.  Total and unconditional validation.  For the first time I felt justified in the way I felt and all of a sudden it didn't feel so bad anymore.  Instead I felt strangely calm.  The relief was the first real positive emotion I had felt in a long time.  It proved to me that I could get back.  I felt like I did not just have to fight the fight, but I wanted to.  What is more, I wanted to win.

Next time, I will talk about the battles I had to fight and how it all unravelled.  It was still a long road, but personally, a rich and fulfilling journey.  Until then, stay well:)

If you think you may be suffering from depression, go and see your GP.  They will be able to assess you and point you in the right direction to get help.  If you don't feel ready to see someone yet, type "depression help" into google and that will give you a list of resources you can use for help.  In Australia, Beyond Blue is a great place to start.  There website is:-

www.beyondblue.org.au

Not so Silent, not so Deadly.

In 2006, I finally had an unofficial diagnosis from my neurologist, and she referred me to a psychiatrist for an official diagnosis and treatment.  Realistically my recovery started then.  Just knowing that it wasn't normal to feel this way, and that I wasn't alone, and that there were treatments available.  It was a really important step.  It got me off rock bottom and the strength to go a little bit further.

However, I then stagnated for a bit.  I went and saw the psychiatrist, and I have to say he wasn't much help to me.  His appointments were only fifteen minutes long, and his initial diagnosis came from a questionnaire I filled more than the actual consultation.  After that his only recommendation was anti-depressants.  I resisted the treatment partly because I didn't like him and also because I felt (and wrongly so) that the only people on these drugs were psycho cat ladies and suicidal teenagers.

Eventually I relented though and lucky thing too as the anti-depressants were an integral part of my recovery.  But the drugs were by no means a cure.  They stopped me from feeling the dark, dark lows, but they didn't make me feel good.  I was still lethargic and procrastinated a lot, and I certainly wasn't looking forward to anything, no matter how much fun it was.

Realising I wasn't going anywhere I decided to talk with my GP.  From here, he took over my treatment from a medication point of view, and referred me to a psychologist who would treat me therapeutically.  This was a positive step for me as I was starting to take charge of my own treatment, but I still had the line share of the work to do.

In hindsight I don't think I was ready to see a psychologist, but I needed to do it anyway.  I think I needed time to get used to talking to someone about me, and not just the good parts, but everything.  It was very confronting, and as a result I steered the conversation in areas I didn't mind talking about and ended just telling him what I thought he wanted to hear.  Looking back it seems like a colossal waste of time, but realistically, it was a very important step.

Eventually I stopped seeing him and I went for a follow up consultation with my GP. After that, things really started to get interesting and better, and although I hate to keep you all in suspense that story is for my next post.  Until then, stay well:)

If you think you may be suffering from depression, go and see your GP.  They will be able to assess you and point you in the right direction to get help.  If you don't feel ready to see someone yet, type "depression help" into google and that will give you a list of resources you can use for help.  In Australia, Beyond Blue is a great place to start for help.  There website is:-

www.beyondblue.org.au

Lucky I'm OK...

Well here is one out of the blue.  There I was, not doing much really, just sitting down having lunch.  I went to have a drink of my water when bang.  I just passed out.  I fell off my chair and banged my face on something because I had a bloody nose when I came round.

Apparently I was only out for a couple of seconds and the good wife quickly picked me up so when I awoke she was already by my side.  With a brain stimulator inserted I didn't want to take any chances so I went straight to the doc.  He did the standard tests and gave me a clean bill of health.

What worries me is immediately before and after I passed out I felt perfectly fine.  Apart from when I was unconscious I have total memory recall and afterwards I am only sporting a swollen upper lip, a slight headache and a bruised ego.  So effectively if it happens again I will have no warning as what caused me to pass out is a mystery.

However, the doc agreed that if it happened again I should have it investigated further.  Until next time, stay well:)

Your GP

Some people say they are the Jack of all trades and a master of none. Personally I think that couldn't be further from the truth. A GP needs to have a unique skill that other doctors do not have, and that is they must understand and treat the patient not just the illness. Many specialists ignore a patients general health and quality of life and focus on purely on what they are trained to treat. Sometimes this is a good thing but it can also be a bad thing.

So, how do you pick your GP? In Australia, a GP is virtually the only doctor that you have complete autonomy in picking yourself. Which makes it a very important choice. Myself, I am a big fan of the local family doctor. Here is a list of what I look for in a doctor.

1. Find a doctor that understands you. I believe that you should have one doctor that knows you very well, so they can decide what treatment is best for you, and make sure that if you need to see a specialist, he finds one that will suit you.

2. Proximity. You don't want to travel for ages every time you have a minor ailment, so find someone near.

3. Longevity. For whatever reason, a doctor may stop being able to treat you, so it is important that you find a doctor that will be around for a while as continuity of treatment means quality of treatment. I had five GP's in five years once and it drove me mad! I had to change due to retirement, maternity leave, changed practices, moved away and the fifth I finally managed to keep.

4. Know their limitations. Some GP's want to cure the world. When I lived in Sydney and I first started getting peripheral neuropathy my GP wasted a month sending me to get needless tests before he eventually gave up and sent me to see a specialist who gave me a preliminary diagnosis on my first visit. From there, treatment could start. My point is that I wasted a month while my GP tried to figure out what was wrong with me when he should have known my condition was beyond him and referred me straight away.

5. Willing to Learn. You can't expect your GP to know everything, but your GP should be willing to learn about what a specialist says is wrong with you, so they can understand and add a second opinion to your treatment options. When I first raised the possibility of having DBS with my current GP he knew nothing about it. But when I went and saw him a week later, he had done his homework and he could discuss the surgery with me openly. He also understood how this would impact me going forward so he could provide the best possible health care.

6. A good practice. Doctors also get sick, go away on conferences and take holidays. My point is that you might be able to wait for a flu jab, but if you have tonsillitis you don't want to wait a week for treatment, you want someone now. It is a good idea to go to the same practice where they have all your records on file. Make sure you are happy with the practice and the other doctors that work there.

These are my criteria for a doctor. You must also think about what you want. For example, some may prefer a male or female doctor, or a doctor that speaks your native language. It is a good idea to figure out what you want.

Next blog, I will write a little message for Julia Gillard to tell her what she is doing well and badly. As a frequent user of the health care system I would like to give you my two cents. Until then, stay well:)