It's getting emotional

I now have only 18 days to go before I jet off to Chicago for what will hopefully be one of the major turning points of my life.  But right now I am at a point that can only be described as emotional.  Up until now I have had so much to occupy myself that I haven't been able to really stop and think about how I felt.

At the end of last year I was so busy just trying to get on the trial, with all the correspondence, doctors appointments and tests etc.  There were also a few hiccups along the way just to make it interesting.  Then once I got asked to come to Chicago I was super busy working out all the logistics, working out my transplant schedule, doing some final research and finding out what I had to bring and where to get it from.  I then went on holidays which was a great distraction.

However, now I'm back in Melbourne, the kids are back at school and life has returned to some kind of normality.  And in the last couple of days things have been somewhat strange.  I have still been super busy, but now instead of preparing to go to Chicago, I am preparing to leave Melbourne.

And that makes it all seem eerily real.  So many people want to catch up with me before I leave, which is great, but I seem to be running from social event to tying up a lose end and in between I am getting quite emotional.  I feel like a soldier in his final days before shipping off to war.  It is starting to hit home that this is a dangerous procedure, with potentially fatal consequences, so worry and nervousness are starting to play apart.

Sadness also has a role.  Yesterday was my daughters last day of school holiday, (my son had already returned) so I took her out to see a movie and ice cream.  We both had a wonderful time, but I did start to think about the fact that I will not see either  of my kids for over two months.  The longest I have gone without seeing them before is a meagre three days and I spoke with them on the phone everyday.

I also feel like I might be abandoning them, especially if the worst happens.  Years ago I reconciled with myself that I am not afraid to die.  I feel that there are many things worse than death, but I certainly do not have a death wish.  I think life is great and worth living.  I also would not want to leave my kids without a dad.

So, do I have any second thoughts.  Not a chance.  I am not doing this so I can abandon my family.  One of the reasons I am doing this is so I can be a better father and a better husband.  About a year ago, my daughter learnt to ride a bike.  I always figured that I would be the one to teach both my kids to ride a bike, but sadly CIDP robbed me of that privilege and I can chalk that up to one of the worst experiences of my life as I looked on from the sidelines.

Now I can't exactly ask the kids to forget how to ride a bike so I can teach them again.  That bird has flown.  But there is a bunch of stuff I could do with them that I am incapable of doing right now.  So I do have worries and I do have concerns and the last couple of days have been emotional, but I feel it is important to spend as much time with the kids as possible and catch up with as many friends as I can.  Because I'm going.  I'm going no matter what.  Stay well:)